Is that the new guy?
We are completamente seguros here
because I've selected my position carefully.
First rule of engagement, know your enemy.
Second rule, know where to engage him.
Good, you've kept your engines running.
I want maximum heat emissions from these coordinates.
The time, 0500 hours.
The place, seven klicks south of El Chaco.
The situation, a single Graboid
reported in the area two weeks ago.
Only the third appearance of these underground carnivores
in the last 11 years.
Unfortunately, lack of action on the part of local authorities
has allowed the creature to metamorphose
into the second stage of its life cycle,
producing six shriekers,
a voracious, hermaphroditic life form
which can double in number every few minutes
simply by eating sufficient food.
In this case, chickens.
A truckload of chickens.
Infrared monitoring now indicates the shrieker herd
moving across the pampas toward us
closing at less than 300 meters.
290. 280.
I've managed to lead the shrieker herd away from civilian population.
My tactical approach is utilize various maneuvers
demonstrated by Sitting Bull at Little Bighorn
and Field Marshal Rommel during the North Africa campaign.
The idea being to set up a proper kill zone.
I should take this opportunity to point out their zero tactical skills.
Lacking eyes or ears, they can sense only heat and...
Patience, mi amigo.
Nothing to worry about,
because for once, I have the proper tool at hand.
Looking for a little heat?
Any questions?
Hey, Burt, welcome home.
We saw you on CNN shooting that cannon thing.
Dual .50 antiaircraft turret mount. Good to see you, Miguel.
What the hell is that?
Just some real estate guys out of Reno.
They want to cut up the valley into parcels.
That'll be a cold day in hell.
Well, that's what I told them!
Hey, Burt, while you were gone,
there was this conga line of cement trucks going up to your place.
What the heck you building up there?
I installed an underground Graboid barrier, my own design.
Big cement box, two-foot thick, steel reinforced,
completely surrounding my compound, sides and bottom.
Now I can sleep nights.
Come on, Burt. What's it been, 11 years?
No reason to lower your guard.
Burt, welcome home.
Put in a barcode reader?
Jodi, they can use that to build a profile on all my purchases.
Burt, welcome home.
Yeah, welcome. Next, they'll want a sample of my DNA.
How have you been? I guess I'm getting by.
Getting by?
You're doing better than your uncle ever did.
Hey, in retail, if you're not three steps ahead,
you're one step behind.
You want your mail? Yeah, I guess.
"Perfection Valley Ranchettes."
Uh-huh. They've been making offers to all of us.
Shall I file it for you? Mmm.
Hey! Cool watch.
Gift from the gauchos.
It continuously updates its time to the nanosecond
by connecting directly to the cesium clock
in Colorado via ultrasonic frequency.
Well above our normal range of hearing, but it'll give a dog fits.
Right, right, right.
So, were you able to get me some Graboid or shrieker parts?
Beaks, tentacles, claws?
Aren't you overdoing all this a little?
Burt, this stuff is our claim to fame.
China's got pandas, Australia's got koalas.
And we've got these.
Even if they are extinct here.
Are you trying to turn the valley into a theme park?
It worked for your friends, Earl and Grady.
I'm just fighting for my piece of the leisure dollar.
But this...
This is your theme park kind of guy.
"Desert Jack's Graboid Adventure"?
Who the hell is this yahoo?
He moved in while you were gone,
started this business taking people out on Graboid safaris.
I don't believe this.
Oh, believe it, ladies and gentlemen. Believe it.
This is no theme park simulation here.
You are in the heart of Graboid country.
These savage subterrestrials,
these death-dealing denizens of dirt,
first appeared about 11 years ago.
Yeah, you keep your eyes peeled, your mind and body centered.
These things can jump up at any moment.
What the...
Just a jackrabbit, folks. Just a jackrabbit.
Breathe and release. There you go.
Yeah, these suckers,
I've seen one jump clear 50 feet out of the ground like a volcano,
swallowed a semi-truck whole.
That's what I call roadkill.
I tell you, yes, friends, this whole area is a major feeding ground.
Now, just over that ridge there
is where a simple shepherd named Old Fred lost his herd of sheep.
Yeah, and everything else from the neck down.
Now as I said, we're in the heart of Graboid country.
Right in the heart of it!
Whoa!
Looks like we got company, folks.
Man. Is that a Graboid? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, looks like it.
Now, get back, son, you're going to lose a limb now.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
Hey, calm down, lady! It's flooded!
Has it spotted us yet?
Oh, I don't know. I can't tell yet.
But it's bigger than I've ever seen.
Whoa.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
Hey, hey, hey! Here it comes!
- Take control of yourself. - Don't panic now.
Keep going. Come on.
Moving in.
Well, we'd better get the hell out of Dodge!
Come on now.
We got it. It's called divine intervention.
All right, just stick with Jack,
you're going to make it back.
That's one.
I think he picked up our scent.
I thought they only hunt by sound.
That's what I meant, sound.
Four!
All right, baby. Been waiting for you. Come to daddy.
Come on now, hop on this here rock.
Here you go. Here you go. Give me your hand, darling.
Come on, come one. Here you go.
There you go. All right, all right.
Hang on to your hat now. Here's the rest of us.
All right. We got everybody now?
Let's see here, one, two, three, four, five.
All right, that's good, that's good.
Well, I think we just best wait it out a spell.
How long do you think it will be?
Well, ma'am, time is the eternal river.
I suggest we not swim upstream.
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice cold beer?
All right, I got $3 a bottle, domestic, $4.50, imported.
Also, might I recommend my fresh fruit juices?
Monster Mango. Graboid Grape.
And for a buck extra, you can keep the souvenir glass.
Glows in the dark. Right there. Look at that.
Please enter access code,
or Level One security program will be activated in 10 seconds.
Nine seconds, eight seconds, seven seconds, six seconds, five seconds...
Mr. Jack thanks you for your business.
I'd say we got pretty lucky out there today.
Oh, absolutely.
Man, all we saw was dust.
That's all you want to see, believe me, son.
Y'all stay on the blacktop now
till you're clear out of the valley.
Tell your friends about us.
Got to restock the cooler here.
Um, by the way, you didn't pay me for that bag of ice this morning.
Yeah, well, you know, I thought it was complimentary ice.
I'm in business here, Jack. Yeah, so am I.
And I've been thinking you ought to sell me my refreshments at wholesale.
Because?
It's a natural part of our symbiotic relationship.
Oh, symbiotic relationship. That's a good one, Jack.
You see, Jodi, all things are related.
My business brings business to your business.
Probably like an increase of about approximately around 50%.
Actually,
22%, with questionable sustainability.
Questionable sustainability?
Do you have a business plan?
I try not to plan too much.
I trust in the ebb and the flow of the universe.
You have to plan to be a viable entity in today's economic landscape.
See, me, I'm in phase three of establishing my product identity.
You know, L. L. Bean, canoe-y, outdoorsy.
Land's End, golf club-y, sailboat-y.
Oh, I see. I see. I see. Chang's Market.
Is that, you know, that, kind of desert-y, underground monster-y?
Exactly.
All righty.
Well, I sure hope nothing stops you from becoming a viable entity
because I hate when that happens.
Hey, I'm billing you for that complimentary ice.
You know, I really like this clay.
It doesn't crack in the kiln,
but it is so expensive.
Oh, I can get 10% off if you order 200 pounds.
Yeah, I can't even afford that.
Hi, Jodi. Hey, Mindy.
Can you give these to Jack for me when he comes in?
Oh, sure. Just throw them on the table.
Thanks.
Hey, Mindy.
I think Jack was expecting you to sew those pants,
not just stick tape on them.
Mom, tape is a total statement.
People like Jack and I understand that.
Oh, I was into safety pins, myself.
Hey, Burt.
Hey, Mindy. I thought you were off at school.
Mom didn't tell you?
I had to drop out. We couldn't afford the tuition.
So, I'm back working at the Arby's down in Bixby,
and trying to survive my mother.
Well, I hope things work out.
Thanks.
Beer is inside.
There you go. Watch your step.
Mr. Gummer?
Is that you?
It is, isn't it?
Ah, damn!
Real pleasure to meet you, sir. Jack Sawyer.
Listen, you know, I've started up this little tour business,
you know, kind of an homage to you guys.
And I would be honored if you'd consider being a part of it.
Sign a few autographs, maybe a little weapons demonstration.
Mom, take a picture of me with the tremor.
Oh, cute idea.
They're called graboids.
Hey, come on over here, folks.
Look who I've got for you. Come on down.
The legendary Mr. Burt Gummer himself.
Mom, it's the gun guy.
Oh, it is.
Here, Milton.
Stand right here, up straight.
You don't mind, do you?
Straight, honey. Nice and tall. Taller.
Say "graboids." Graboids.
Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Goober.
Come on, honey.
You had that look on your face. What was that about?
Don't start, Mom.
They're out of their gourd right now.
I've been listening to my inner voice,
and it's telling me you and I are destined to work together.
So what do you think?
I think if I had an inner voice,
it'd be telling me to tell you to get lost.
Well, you know, take your time.
Right, you just think about it, and get back to me now.
He'll come around.
Buford!
Get your head out of your pants, boy.
I was just looking at the scenery.
Drooling on yourself. Now go on and set up for the next group.
Well, you don't have to be so mean.
Boy, you're about as sharp as a bowling ball.
Oh, yeah, tough guy.
Hi, Mindy.
So, that skull was ripped wide open, boy.
Eyeballs popping out.
Ugly!
Now as I said, you're in the heart of Graboid country.
Yeah, you're right in the heart of it.
Let me tell you something, boys.
You're right in the frigging heart of it!
Honey, did you see that?
Sweet Jesus! Look!
Uh-oh.
Having a little engine trouble, folks.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
Where is it?
If you just stick with Jack, you'll make it back.
Hold on to your hats.
Help, help, Graboid attack.
This is what you guys do all day?
I mean, no offense, Buford,
but it's, like, tragically lame.
Huh?
This is a good living.
I mean, especially compared to what I was doing before.
Which was?
Well, I was
shoveling roadkill for the county.
Okay, I get you.
But why is a guy like Jack
wasting his time scamming yahoos with this Scooby-Doo routine?
I mean, I bet there's a zillion better things a guy like that could do.
I bet he's nursing a broken heart.
Or something totally tragic.
I bet he's just dying to talk to somebody who understands him.
All right, we got everybody now?
Damn, it's hot out here.
Anybody up for an ice cold beer?
You know, I couldn't help but notice
that you're getting awfully red out here in the sun.
Do you have to keep doing that?
When is this tour going to be over, anyway?
You don't enjoy my company, huh?
A man could take offense at that.
What's that?
Help! Help!
Freeze!
Don't move.
Is he all right?
Come on, give me your hand!
What the hell? This thing's not even real!
Everybody, shut up!
Who's that? Shut up and listen to her!
- Who's that other guy? - Shut the hell up!
Okay, Jack's jeep can outrun it,
but we have to create a diversion, some noise!
Everybody, grab something. Here.
Like what? Like anything.
Okay, we're going to throw stuff out that way,
and then we're going to pile in the jeep and haul ass this way.
Got it? Okay. On three.
One, two, three! Okay!
Move!
Hey, where's my camera? You threw away my brand-new camera?
This time, we're ready for you.
This shipment of Graboid has four tentacles instead of three.
They look ridiculous.
Nobody is going to buy them!
What the hell is that?
It's Burt's siren.
The Graboid ladder? It can't be real, Nancy.
Burt wouldn't blow the siren unless it was for real, come on.
Oh, God, I hope Mindy's okay.
I hope she doesn't do something stupid.
I'm not paying for them!
Well, if you ask me,
there's something very amateurish about this whole operation.
I mean, you take people into a life-or-death situation,
and you don't even have a real gun?
Are you even licensed to do this?
Look, you wanted to see a Graboid, and you saw a Graboid!
So I strongly advise you, hit the highway
and don't stop till you reach Seattle.
Well, I expect you to pay for that camera!
Mindy! Thank God! What's going on?
Mom, they're back. We just made it out of there.
Graboids? Live ones?
Burt, we found one.
Son of a bitch killed Buford.
I mean, just boom and he was gone.
The thing is like the size of a whale.
Yep, I've seen them.
Burt, is it okay? Can we come down?
Yeah, come on down. They're not close.
You check the seismo-monitor I gave you?
Well, it's not working very well.
I think the batteries are dead or something.
Come on, Burt. It's been, what, 11 years?
Yeah, Burt here. Talk to me.
Hey, Burt, was that siren noise for real, man?
Affirmative.
You on your roof? Damn right, I'm on my roof.
You check your seismo-monitor?
Any Graboid activity near your ranch?
Burt, that aerial thing, it got bent, man.
I've been meaning to fix it.
Well, now it's all hands on deck, Miguel.
So I suggest you bug out ASAP,
maintain a steady speed on your truck,
and report to HQ at Chang's. You copy that?
The good news is there's only three of them.
How do you know that?
A few years ago, I installed a geophone
monitoring system around the valley.
Data transmits to my laptop, gets triangulated.
It's all based on Rhonda LeBeck's geological research.
I sell all her books.
The comics were better. Totally.
They're moving slowly down from the north, just like last time.
From Jasmer Quadrangle,
straight down the valley into Calypso Quadrangle.
Huh?
I think he means Cactus Flats.
Why can't he just say it?
So, what do we do?
Your little jungle boat ride is over, mister.
Time to fish or cut bait.
Yeah, yeah. So what do we do?
Burt, excuse me, but we're not cut off this time.
We don't have to act like a bunch of militia nitwits.
We can call for help.
Nancy, since no one here has bothered
to maintain or monitor their seismic equipment,
we have no idea how long the graboids been active,
and therefore, have no idea when they may become shriekers!
We can't wait for the authorities to bumble into this.
We are the authorities.
So, what do we do?
We hunt them down.
We wipe them out.
We go at dawn.
These are perfect.
How many do you have in stock? Eleven.
Need to requisition all of them.
Whoa! Requisition?
Does that mean I'm getting reimbursed? Not today.
How does this work? Hunting them with a toy truck?
Graboids hunt by sensing...
Sound. I know, I know.
So a Graboid hears the toy truck,
goes after it just like a cat to catnip.
It's in the comic books.
The second he swallows it, you detonate the explosive.
Boom! End of worm.
Explosive?
And where are we going to get the explosive?
This, not being an officially sanctioned event,
I've provided something of my own design.
Don't worry about Burt.
He knows what he's doing. It's, like, his thing.
Put these on my tab, okay?
Let's mount up and move out. You don't have a tab!
Jack, I'm going with you.
No, you're not.
Yes, sir?
Good morning, Mr. Gummer.
Morning.
Agent Frank Statler.
My cousin, he already went back to Mexico.
Hey, I've already filed for my business license.
The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
Hey, hey, hey. Department of the Interior.
This gentleman is Field Agent Rusk of the BLM,
and Dr. Andrew Merliss, Director of Paleontology at the Smithsonian.
Look, we don't have time to chat. We've got work to do.
Not if it's hunting graboids, you don't.
I called them, Burt.
I've been granted authority
to insure adherence to Section 1472-B of the Endangered Species Act,
which specifically guards the welfare
of large-class desert reptilians.
I'm enforcing an immediate ban
on all hunting of graboids in Perfection Valley.
Those are my cattle out there, pendejo.
Uh-huh.
The BLM man gave me permission
to kill anything that's dangerous to my cattle.
El lobo, el coyote and el graboid.
Well, your BLM man reports to this BLM man, who now reports to me.
And I'm here to tell you there will be no more killing of graboids.
Period.
So, we let them live and we become the endangered species.
You have been instrumental
in the eradication of the oldest, rarest species on Earth.
Not just once, but on three separate occasions, on two continents.
Defending lives and property
as a guest of two foreign governments.
Are you even aware of the public outcry?
What public? Not this public.
Look, our mandate is quite simple.
To investigate, trap and transport
at least one of these creatures for study.
Trap and transport?
By the time you find out that's impossible,
we'll be up to our necks in shriekers.
If we discover that there is a genuine threat to public safety,
we're prepared to evacuate Perfection Valley, seal it off indefinitely.
Wait a minute! You'd make us leave?
That's not why I called you. I called you here to help us.
The government's gonna offer fair compensation for your property.
That's a given.
Eminent domain.
And people call me paranoid.
I don't think you're paranoid.
I do, but not no more.
Son of a bitch!
Call me Ishmael.
Now, if you would kindly lean your endangered carcass
over my property line,
I'll just call your untimely demise self-defense.
Damn stupid graboids!
Can't afford to get eminent domained out!
Every cent I have is tied to this business!
Well, at least you got a business.
Body language says it all.
Does it say I could use a cold beer?
What will it be? Miller Lite.
Yeah, we still don't have cell towers.
But you can use the pay phone.
Outside, it's CBs and walkie-talkies only.
Charming.
Listen, you guys weren't serious
about making us move out, were you?
Unless we can catch one of them, we may have no choice.
It kind of seems like a small operation.
I mean, to catch one whole graboid.
We don't have much of a budget, you know?
It's not a high priority in Washington, okay?
Yeah, but if you did catch one,
I mean, you boys would go home heroes, right?
Look good on a résumé.
And your point would be?
Just that the one guy who knows more about these things than anybody,
the one guy who could actually help y'all out
is warming up the bench 'cause you took him out of the game.
I didn't take him out of the game.
May I remind you, Jack,
they are not your friends. They are government agents. Over.
Cut me some slack, Burt.
All I did was a little negotiating.
You did what? I cut us a deal.
We help catch one live graboid,
they give you back your hunting license.
Over.
- Copy that. Roger. One question. - Shoot.
Is your head up your ass for the warmth?
We thought you'd be happy.
You want to get eminent domained out of here?
Catch a live graboid!
It's hard enough to kill one without saturation bombing!
I told them, "Burt Gummer, he'd come up with something."
These bastards are smart.
And the harder you come at them, the smarter they get!
Well, you're still here, aren't you? I'd say you're up to it.
So, Mr. Gummer, what do you think?
Fish or cut bait.
You say you have some sort of tranquilizer.
Yeah, we're using tranq darts.
We got them to chase us, but we couldn't get these to penetrate the dirt.
I'm ordering titanium tips and a more powerful launch gun.
Of course, you could squander the taxpayers' money.
But I can get a graboid to swallow this with this for $49.95.
Then, if it goes to sleep, you can dig it up and take it back to Area 51,
or whatever fits your plausible deniability.
I don't quite understand what you just said, but do we have a deal?
Do we have a deal?
Because we want to know what we should do.
You guys do what you do best!
Find something simple and complicate it.
It's good he expresses himself.
Repressed emotions can be real toxic.
He needs counseling.
Get in! Huh?
You got me into this.
All right!
Whoo!
Use the door!
It's unbelievable!
Frank, Charlie. It's unbelievable! Unbelievable!
I was doing cores out where they recorded
the earliest graboid movements. Uh-huh.
Voilà!
I hit this on my third dig.
It's an egg.
I've proven they come from eggs.
I've already carbon-dated it.
The yolk remains are current,
but the shell is over 300 years old.
The current graboids must have come from these.
They lay dormant for 300 years?
It appears so.
I need to use your phone. I must call the museum.
I'll give you $50 for that.
Are you kidding? It's going straight to the Smithsonian!
All right, all right. $100.
Somebody getting married?
First, we make enough noise to lure one in close.
Then, we use the remote-controlled truck as bait.
Damn feds. I told them to butt out.
No. No, I think that's somebody else.
Well, Burt.
Long time no see.
Looking good. Hardcore as ever.
Melvin? It's Mel, actually.
How come you never answer our letters?
How come I got to drive all the way out here?
"Perfection Valley Ranchettes." That's you!
And you said I'd never amount to anything.
Look, Burt, we're making some really good deals here.
Between you and me, you know, 'cause we're friends,
we're gonna offer you twice what we're offering the other people.
What the hell are you doing? You grew up here.
Exactly. I wouldn't wish this place on anybody.
So, come on, Burt. What do you say?
I say, "I'll give you a 10-second head start."
People are folding, Burt.
And I got this whole county in my pocket.
You can't hold out forever.
I was born to hold out.
Uh, Burt, is this bad? This looks kind of bad here.
Is this bad? It's...
Graboid. One of them spotted us. Freeze. Everybody, quiet.
A graboid? Quiet!
Are you kidding? Shh!
For real?
Ah!
Burt, hang on!
Hang on, Burt! Burt!
Hey, Burt, hang on! I'll get a rope, Burt!
Yeah.
Houston, we have a problem.
Burt? Affirmative.
Are you okay?
Not much time. Only got limited air. What's my 20?
Hold on. Hold on.
Well, you're about a quarter mile west...
No, you better make that east of me.
A couple of miles from my place. Engage the graboid.
What?
Drive like hell and lead the bastard through my front gate.
Copy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I copy. But...
Out of air. Burt out.
Burt! Burt, what do I do when I get there?
What do I do? Burt! Burt!
Come on, graboid-graboid.
Come on, baby, come on!
Come on, baby.
We are running with the graboid.
Holy shit!
Head-on collision.
Burt!
Burt, are you down there?
Burt, hang on, hang on. I'll be right there.
Hold on, Burt! Hang on, buddy!
Come on, just breathe!
Just breathe!
Come on, baby!
Hang on, buddy!
Hang on!
Here we go.
Jack! That Melvin guy said you got attacked!
What the hell are you doing?
I'd prefer
we keep this
to ourselves.
Oh, you guys definitely need to be supervised.
Burt here. You read me? Come back.
Yo.
Come back. Burt here. Come back!
Is that a graboid?
Yeah, but we should be seeing two of them.
Have either of you heard from the feds?
I can't raise them. Not since this morning.
I guess they've gone out of radio range, huh?
They were chasing a graboid.
They were chasing it? It wasn't chasing them?
I don't like that.
So, maybe they scared it.
Jesus. What is that?
Dr. Merliss, what happened?
We found a graboid.
On the surface.
It was... Hollow. Split open.
Yeah. Split open. Split open.
Yes?
When we examined it...
The sound.
I heard this screaming.
And then they were all around us.
So fast.
Rusk and Statler,
torn to pieces!
I hid in my van, but they were ripping it apart.
I remembered something.
Don't let them see body heat.
So,
I sprayed myself.
It's cold. It's so cold.
No, that was good. That was good thinking. Good thinking.
No.
Not entirely effective, I'm afraid.
Nancy, Mindy. Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt. We're up on Chang's roof.
Is the graboid still sneaking around somewhere?
We've got a bigger problem now.
Squealers? No, screechers.
Shriekers. The government team have all been killed.
Oh, my God!
Now listen carefully. These sons of bitches don't hunt by sound.
They see heat with sensor organs on their heads.
You've got to hide your body heat somehow. Copy?
Hide our body heat?
Uh, Burt, we copy.
Can't track shriekers with geophones,
so now I'm rigged to download infrared satellite images.
Now, when shriekers first emerge,
there are only six of them.
If we can kill them before they find food and multiply,
we have a chance.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
Preston Dry Lake. Jeep trail.
And there we are. That's our cars, right? Reading the engine heat?
Right.
Bingo. We have a visual.
Two, four. There's seven of them!
You mean they're already making more of themselves?
Yeah, they munched on Statler and Rusk.
We better get moving.
I totally hate my life.
Damn, I still don't see them.
How do you focus these things? Here, try these.
Hey, fellas. Better get that satellite thing again.
We got you covered.
- That's it, right there. - Yeah.
Holy... There's eight of them!
Eight? What the hell are they eating?
Coyotes, lizards, snakes. They don't care.
So this is really serious?
I keep trying to tell you people! How far are your cattle?
God, if they get to your herd, we're in big trouble.
Hey, Burt, look. Look there.
They're going into that box canyon over there.
Come on. There's only one way out of there.
If we get there before they leave...
I'm with you. We just roll in and mop those little devils up.
Graboid!
Go! Go! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Miguel! Oh, my...
Where the hell...
Es blanco.
Holy shit!
I've never seen one, a live one.
Holy shit!
So, what do we do now?
Radio Nancy and Mindy to call for some kind of help.
Damn thing tried to eat my jeep!
What the hell is it thinking?
You left your engine running. He went for the noise.
Haven't you read the graboid comics? It's all in there.
Freaking slug. I owe money on that thing.
Jack, you got your walkie? It's in my jeep.
Where's yours?
On my hood.
Well, I guess we just wait.
Darn! Man!
Are you remotely worried that the shriekers might get out
and go eat Miguel's cattle
and, I don't know, the rest of Nevada?
Absolutely.
But I do not dwell on that over which I have no control.
That's great. I have to do all the dwelling.
If you choose to.
You know what I've found?
Most people prefer your dramatic cumulonimbus clouds.
But I've always had a weakness for a cirrus. Yeah.
Wispy and way up there, you know?
I wouldn't know.
Well, don't you ever look up? I'm busy.
Too busy to look up?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
I'm working for myself here, all right?
You know, I could have stayed in San Francisco,
parlayed my MBA into a six-figure income.
But, hey!
I'm busting my ass eking a living out here to build something for myself.
I know it's not easy.
But I just think you can enjoy yourself while you eke.
Who says I'm not enjoying myself?
You know what? I don't have to justify myself to you.
Foodmall?
Snake, you said you were buying all your supplies from me!
Well, see now, I don't recall signing any purchasing agreement.
It was a verbal commitment. It was understood, okay?
In exchange for you tying up my telephone lines and my computer.
You were getting free overhead, pal.
And, for your information, I do enjoy myself.
I do.
Well, one bit of good news. The shriekers are still in the canyon.
It's got to be the same one I saw outside my house.
Albino, I think.
Yeah. We used to have a female goat like that.
No kids.
- Impossible. - Sterile, huh?
Maybe that's why El Blanco hasn't turned into Los Shriekers.
Son of a...
0500, on the dot.
Be sunrise soon.
In 37 minutes, 32 seconds.
Hey, Burt. Heads up. What?
Whoa! Why, you...
Ooh!
You know, he follows you, Burt.
I think he's got a thing for you.
If I could reach my Grizzly .50-caliber, I'd have a thing for him.
Is that them? It must be!
But I've never heard them make a noise like that before.
Like coyotes
with their kill.
They're still in the canyon.
Can't afford to wait anymore.
I've got to get to my radio.
Wait, Burt! Try this.
I saw it on a repeat of MacGyver.
Dental floss. I always carry it.
There. There, there.
Yeah. Come on. Come on.
There, you got it. Yes!
Yeah.
Nancy! Mindy! Burt here, come back!
Hey, Burt. What's up?
Look, we're pinned down by this great, white graboid
and we need an assist.
I want you to make one hell of a racket over the radio. Copy?
You want noise, Burt? I copy that.
Honey, what's going on?
Burt just phoned in a request.
Hey, he's going for it.
Here we go.
One more.
Uh-oh.
It's coming back. Yep.
He's taken the bait.
Jodi, Jack, let's move it.
This is yours. .308... I don't know...
Four shots in the mag. It won't bite you.
Jack, grab your Weatherby and let's do this.
My Weather-what? Your rifle. In your gun rack.
The gun is not real, Burt.
Borrowed it off some movie guy.
Here. You do know which end the bullets come out of?
I've seen movies.
Here, you look cold.
Now, let's go bag our limit of shriekers.
Come on.
Got to be right around that bend.
What the... Jeez.
What are they doing? I do not know.
Let's tenderize them a little.
I remember these babies.
Cover!
Holy shit! He doesn't fool around.
Burt is very committed.
Come on, come on! Let's hit them!
Check it out!
Vaporized them! I mean, there's nothing left!
No, no, no. We should see remains!
They wouldn't just disintegrate!
How do you know? I've blown them up before!
Hey.
It looks like they shed some kind of husk or skin, like a snake.
I don't like that.
Maybe they went back underground.
Let's just go find my truck.
Oh, Burt, I really liked that truck.
Oh, man, that's got to hurt. It was new, wasn't it?
At least it died for a good reason.
And my Grizzly Big Boar.
My sidearms.
Whoa!
My ammo.
Hey, something moved.
Over behind the fence.
It's a shrieker?
Not no more, it's not.
In Mexico and Argentina, we killed them
before they lived more than about 12 hours.
This is what happens when you don't?
So, what, they just keep mutating like a virus?
I have no idea!
Hey, look!
That son-of-a-gun's got the same heat sensor.
Tracking us.
It's not smart to track Burt.
What's it doing now?
Hey! What the...
Point, shoot! Come on! Point, shoot!
No!
Oh, my God!
I should have taken that shot.
Should have shot sooner.
How could you know it was going to take off like a goddamn rocket?
Jack, give me your walkie.
Nancy, Mindy? Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt. We're here.
Nancy, listen. They...
They killed Miguel. He's gone.
Oh, my God, no!
What, Miguel? No!
Nancy? Jodi here.
Listen, those shrieker things, they can fly now, so get off the roof.
You're not safe up there anymore. Copy?
Hurry!
Lock it! Lock it!
It's coming back!
What are you doing? They can only see heat!
I'm not dumb, you know.
Come on, into the meat locker!
Honey, I never thought you were dumb.
An egg.
Graboid egg.
So it's a graboid, to a shrieker,
to one of these here new things
and finally back to a graboid.
It would make sense, biologically.
I guess they developed the ability to fly
so they can carry the egg as far as possible.
Whoa! Whoa!
Well, look at that. Look at that right there. Reacts with the air.
Smells like a bad night of beans.
Some high-octane stomach acid he's got there.
Extremely reactive, almost like pure sodium.
Well, whatever it is, they work it up there in their ass, see...
Excuse me?
No, no, no. That's how they blast off.
It's always something new with these things.
Forget it, you're both empty.
Empty? Already?
You fired 10, she fired four. I'm empty, too.
Well, that's just great. Great.
Look, my place is three miles away.
We just have to try to make it.
What, with these honkers doing aerial recon?
We have to conceal our body heat somehow.
All right.
Uh...
I can make a dumb suggestion.
No, all I'm saying is we discovered them, right?
So, we should name them.
Let me think.
Okay. Blast-Offers.
Or Butt-Launchers. That's better, huh?
Oh, oh. Ass-Blasters! How's that?
Sounds like a porno film.
Listen!
Get down! Get down!
He didn't see us! We're okay!
Lunch date? Damn, El Blanco!
I'm sorry? White graboid. He's moving towards us.
Can't we get a break here? Come on, come on. This way.
Beneath this ridge is a solid granite intrusion.
We'll follow it, but El Blanco will have to go around.
Granite intrusion?
I've memorized the geology of most of the valley.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been meaning to do that.
Give me your weapons and make yourselves at home.
I'll see if Nancy and Mindy got through to the Air National Guard.
Whoa!
Lots of choices.
Nancy, Mindy. Burt here. Come back.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy. Copy?
You know those supplies I bought?
How about I let you have them at cost?
Feeling guilty?
Nancy, Mindy. Burt here. Come back. Yeah.
But mostly, I'm going to need traveling money.
Burt calling Nancy and Mindy. Copy?
You copy?
Burt here. Come back. Nancy? Mindy?
Talk to me. Burt here.
So you'll be leaving, huh?
Can't run a business where your customers get eaten.
Guess not.
Nancy, Mindy, Burt here! Come back!
Damn it! Hope they got out okay.
Our old friend, El Blanco, is finally coming this way.
Not to worry.
My perimeter is completely graboid-proof.
But is it Ass-Blaster-proof?
Oh! Oh!
Come on, come on! I'll grab my weapon!
Come on, let's go! Come on!
This way into the safe room!
Come on!
Seal it!
What is all this? Food? Better. MREs.
Most dense, most nutritious food known to man.
Okay. Okay, how long can we wait it out in here?
Six, seven years, depending on how well
you maintain your dietary discipline.
Son of a bitch is melting the door down.
Damn his butane, butt-blasting ass.
Forget that! Here!
Escape tunnel!
Burt, I like you. You should! Go on, go on!
Burt, what happens if this thing eats your food?
Ass-Blaster blitzkrieg.
Go on, I'll take care of it.
Whoa!
Ow!
Trick or treat, you son of a bitch!
Five gallons of unleaded.
Oh, man, you really go the distance.
Oh, yeah, I'm a masterpiece of self-destruction.
Fire should reach my stock of reloading powder right about
now.
Come on, over here. Go, go, go!
Ow!
Burt! Now what?
Burt, where have you been?
We've been trying to raise you.
You won't believe it. No, try me.
You know those flying shriekers? We've got one!
Well, actually, it almost got us, but you know how we got it?
Food!
It ate half the food in the store!
If they eat enough, they go into a complete food coma!
No, no, no. They multiply.
No, Burt, they don't! Just feed it! Give it all your MREs.
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Burt, do you copy?
Burt?
Uh...
Burt's not available at the moment,
but thanks for the update, Nancy.
What kind of supreme being would condone such irony?
Well, there are those who say,
"The marksman aims at himself," Burt.
"Power of non-attachment." So you need to tap into that right now.
Jack, enough with the Zen zingers, all right?
Burt. Maintain.
A lifetime of preparation and I end up a refugee?
I hate to ask, but have we gone through all this
just to be eaten by El Blanco?
The explosions were so loud,
they'll have driven him far away.
You really should read the comics.
There's four more of them?
Nothing like a fire to attract every heat-seeking meat-eater in the valley.
We got to hide.
Where? I have no home!
Junkyard.
Junkyard!
Yeah.
We just got to get that far.
The universe provides.
The universe provides a boat?
And a blue tarp! Come on!
Get your heinies up here before they see us!
Now move! Come on!
Get in!
Put it over yourself!
Come on! Cover! Cover!
Like I said, just stick with Jack, you're going to make it back.
Whoa!
No, go left. No, no! Right!
Jack, Jack, go right!
Not that far! Now go right! Make up your mind!
What the heck...
The little turd.
We made it! Look! Plenty of places to hide!
Wait.
It doesn't see us.
Calmly, get out of the boat.
And calmly, just head for...
It sees us! Shit! Run!
Got you, Jodi!
It's coming! It's coming!
Oh, my God!
It's right there. I can hear it. I hear it.
It's right there. That's what I said.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah! Whoo! That one's for Miguel!
About time we got a break.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the rest of them.
God!
Do you think they see us? Do they know we're here?
No.
Yeah.
Cover. We got to find cover. Hey, we can hide in these.
No.
There. There. Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go!
God, no. Can we hide over there? No time!
Come on, come on.
Well...
Let's assess the situation.
We're screwed. We're screwed in an outhouse?
If I'd have been able to grab just one gun! Even a single shot!
How long are we stuck in here?
In a few minutes, our combined body heat
will make this thing glow like a furnace to them.
So, we run! We just run like hell!
No, they fly. We couldn't get half a mile.
Okay. We can't stay, can't go. Your turn.
We've got to fight them.
I mean, they're not that smart. They only see heat, right?
Yeah, and they light their own farts. How is this helping us?
No, wait.
They're full of flammable chemicals.
Could we ignite them somehow?
Get them to swallow something hot?
How? Stick them with something hot, or a fire.
A flaming spear.
No, we can't get that close to them. They'd tear us to pieces.
I'd rather shoot them somehow. If I just had my...
Burt, you don't have a gun. Deal with it.
A potato gun! A what?
A potato gun! What?
What, didn't you ever make one when you were a kid, Burt?
Actually, I converted my BB gun to full auto by the age...
We made them from an old pipe.
You seal up one end, put in a few drops of lighter fluid,
stick in the potato, light the touchhole,
boom, potato will go a hundred yards.
Only, instead of a potato, we shoot a flaming arrow.
Why not?
I like it.
Yes! Now, of course, we got to do some shopping.
We need to get us some pipe, any size,
things for arrows, rags to burn.
And then we're gonna need something for gasoline.
Alcohol.
Man, this ain't gonna be easy.
Wait, wait, I got a line on flaming liquid. You two go for parts.
You see any of these Rocket-Butts nearby? No.
No? All right, let's go.
Watch yourselves.
Oh, yeah.
Ha!
Ass-Blaster! Blasted your own damn ass!
What the hell was that?
I killed one! I did, I killed one!
Whoo! Way to go, girl!
Don't get cocky! That still leaves three!
I killed one.
Listen up. It'll be dark soon. How are we doing, people?
I got some pipes. I got some rags.
Good work!
I need some arrows.
Let's meet over at that yellow truck.
Okay, Nestor, we need your help.
Yes!
Thanks, Nestor.
Jeez, Burt!
What's taking Jack so long? I don't know.
Jeez, Jack!
Is that enough?
That will do.
Now, look.
Let's move to that mobile home.
It offers high ground for a good line of fire.
Run!
Come on, Jodi!
Lock it!
Yeah, eat that!
Damn, girl!
Come on, let's get to work.
An old friend, Nestor, was killed in the first graboid incursion.
His trailer ended up here. He loved his shine.
Here, rip some of these.
Now, you've got to seal up one end.
Also, you need to make a touchhole to light it.
I get the concept.
Any minute, this guy's gonna kamikaze
through your roof like he did before.
All right. All right, I need a gun sight.
Anybody grab any tape or wire?
Your earrings. Your earrings!
- Take them off. - Excellent.
Still don't have a touchhole.
This has a little hole. Will this work?
Yeah.
Armed and dangerous.
But do we have a lighter? Burt does.
How do you know?
Well, you're Burt.
Damn right I am.
Oh, shit! Another kamikaze run!
Whiskey down the barrel. About a shot's worth.
Goes. He's up. He's up!
Open the door.
Door open!
There he is!
Now? No, wait for it, wait for it.
Now? Wait for it.
Now!
It worked!
Blew him away! I mean, blew him...
Blew him away!
And that's why we're at the top of the food chain!
Two down and two to go!
Reload.
Whiskey.
I'll take that arrow. Load it.
That will do it.
Get down! Stay down! Stay down!
No, no, no! I got an idea! I got an idea!
Light the arrow, we'll shoot it through the other skylight.
Stay down, Burt! Stay down!
- Now what? - Spread your legs.
Excuse me?
Oh, I get it. Okay.
Okay.
Don't blame me if I miss because I haven't had any practice before.
Aim and shoot! Okay, okay!
Whoo!
What the hell did you do? I shot him!
Burt!
Burt. Burt!
We should go hunting sometime.
Uh-oh.
Here you go. Here you go.
Oh, I think he looks pissed!
Pissed but dumb.
Another sitting duck, huh, Burt?
Never assume anything.
She's ready.
And...
Stand by to fire at my command.
Light me.
No way! I knew it!
Sons of bitches are always on a learning curve.
Load. Load!
Incoming!
Lighter. I need a lighter.
It's going to blow! Into the back room, now!
Get in here!
Go, go, go, go! Get in here, Burt!
Yuck!
Jeez!
Twenty-three hours, 59 minutes.
Mission completed.
Damn it!
How the hell does he always know where I am?
The watch. The ultrasonic signal.
Burt, are you okay? I'm caught.
Burt, it's coming! Get rid of the watch!
You're crazy. Get out of here!
El Blanco, you want it? Come get it, dude!
Here you go, buddy! Knock yourself out!
My Leatherman. My tool! In my pocket!
Here you go, little buddy, now!
Right side, bottom row, third pocket.
Yeah. Cut the springs where my vest is snagged.
How the hell do you open this thing?
Oh.
What is that?
All right.
Come on.
Jodi, hurry it up! I'm working on it!
Wait.
Get out of here, go on! Shut up, Burt!
Come on.
Go on!
God Almighty!
Whoa!
Good throw.
I used to pitch a little Single-A ball
till the old rotator cuff started acting up.
Oh.
On the off-chance El Blanco's coming back for seconds,
want to get me off this thing?
Yes.
Could you hold on for just a minute?
They matched your offer.
Well, I'm sorry. This is the world's only living Ass-Blaster.
And I have a daughter to put through school here.
I want a car.
Come on.
Could you hold a minute?
The Vegas guys went even higher.
Should we do it?
Siegfried, Roy, he's all yours.
Make sure you stay behind the ropes.
Hey. Hey.
Hitting the road, Desert Jack?
Well, more like Car Wash Jack.
I landed a job managing that place down in Bixby.
The universe provides.
Congratulations. Thank you.
So I guess you'll be sticking around.
Yeah. Yeah, I like the area. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, listen, I'm breaking in my new rear axle. You want to
go for a little ride?
Oh, I'm restocking.
Nice clouds out there.
I can see the clouds from here.
Yeah, but these... See, these are the good ones.
Well...
Mindy, can you watch the store?
It figures.
Older women.
Buenas tardes, señor Blanco.
That's it, just follow the car.
Burt!
Hey, nice wheels.
I've been expecting you, Melvin.
You are one persistent little money-grubber.
Come on, Burt. Look around, man. There's nothing here.
I'm going to turn this into something.
I'm gonna build homes for families.
The smart thing for you to do, Burt, is cash in right now.
You might want to join me, Melvin. Why?
It's safer up here.
Jesus Christ, Burt!
I thought you killed all those things! I never said that.
God, man! Kill it! Blow it up!
What are you waiting for, Burt?
The thing is
as long as one of these reptilians is still alive,
this whole area is deemed protected.
You know, pursuant to Section 1472-B
of the Endangered Species Act?
In other words, no houses, no condos and no ranchettes.
You're crazy. Okay? These things, man, they're going to...
They're going to eat you, Burt.
They're going to get all of you.
We got new geophones, graboid barriers, blanket protection.
The whole town agrees.
Between you and El Blanco, they'll take him every time.
Adiós, Melvin!
Burt! Hey!
Burt!
Burt! You asshole!
You dumb son of a bitch!
God! I hate you!
I hate your guts!
You sorry, sick, paranoid, right-wing, redneck psycho!
Shit-kicker! God damn you, Burt!
And I hate that hat!